Part Four: Three Months Ago (1)

1.

20,000,000,000,003 light years away from Paradise City, a bloody space battle commences between Rufus the Hyperdimentional Space Bogey and Diabolicon with his Army of the Infinite Mass. A single battle within a war waged eons ago in the garbantuous Quadhelix Cluster when Diabolicon and his sultry 2/3 she-wench usurped the throne-world of Amadorcia from the then-infant-heir Two Sticks the Meek. Ever the Forces of Darkness press forward, their hunger for domination without bounds. Ever the Force of Light repels, a solitary hand redirecting the mighty river whose sole purpose is to destroy. Everything.

Rufus taunts his foe thus: “You, Diabolicon, and your minions are like a festering flesh wound, filled with bacteria, paramecium, and other such protozoa.”

“You’ll pay for that, Rufus! How dare you affront the Ruler of the Universe! I’ll crush you like the insignificant insect that you are!” Diabolicon offers his rebuttal with charisma.

“HA! Fool! You forget that I, Rufus the Hyperdimentional Space Bogey have been endowed from On High by the Angel Silesius with the Power to Do Anything! I challenge you to make your feeble attempt. Scratch me if you dare, O pitiful one!”

“We’ll see who’s the fool after my Army of the Infinite Mass has had their way with you! You can never beat Infinity! You are destined to fight it for all Eternity! Some day you will tire, be it a million eons in the future! Are you prepared to spend Eternity locked in a bloody stalemate face to face with Me? Face it, Rufus – you will never extinguish my Darkness with your insignificant light. The Darkness is Infinite! BWA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!!! BWA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!!! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!”

Stu and I cautiously approach the homeless beggar sitting in a corner in the back alley, role-playing to himself and a collection of pigeons who have gathered ‘round to snack on the insects in his hair and to defecate on his shoulders and knees. Our curiosity got the best of us while on-route to Two Mugs for our evening boost, hearing him ranting from all the way out on the main thoroughfare.

“What ho? Is this another of your feeble attempts at trapping me in your pathetically outdated Giga-Gravity Wells?” The man speaks, suddenly cocking his head to one side, “You forget that last time I simply conjured an Antigravity Kalidotron to nullify them, what makes you think you could possibly succeed this time?” At this point he changes voices again, “Because I have reenforced my Giga-Gravity Wells with Infinity Vortex Spray!!! Now my Giga-Gravity wells will gravitate Infinitely!! What have you to say to THAT?” He switches again, “NOOOOOOOOO!!! – Can I help you gentlemen?” He asks, suddenly sitting more upright and looking in our general direction, just not quite eye-to-eye.

Stu replies a little uncertainly, while I stifle some laughter, attempting to not be judgmental. Fail.

“No, we were just coming to see what was going on back here. It sounded a little exciting, to be honest.”

“Darn straight its excitement!” He says, leaping nimbly to his feet, spraying pigeons every direction, then pacing briskly to and fro continues, “Diabolicon has got me temporarily trapped in an Infinity Vortex Spray-enhanced Giga-Gravity Well! Those are not any simple matter to get out of! Sticky business – sticky business I say!” He freezes mid stride gazing down at my right elbow as if it holds some great wonder to behold.

An awkward moment passes.

“…So,” I venture, self-consciously rubbing my elbow with my left hand, “How are you going to escape the infinity giga-vortex then?”

He snaps awake and looks me square in the eye, “What in the High Holustreum is an ‘infinity giga-vortex’?” Spoken with a hint of anger, “No one has ever heard of an ‘infinity giga-vortex’ before! Those things just don’t exist! You are not making any sense, little man!”

“Easy there poppy!” Stu intervenes, “He just meant… whatever it was that you said.”

“I don’t recall speaking anything to either of you. What do you want? You want to torment what you perceive to be a weak old man? Think again, Foul Persecutors. Your monkey minds are far to inferior to even come close to comprehending my true nature, so I will spare your feelings and not try attempting any attempt to attempt an attempt…” He drifts off.

Another awkward moment passes.

Stu prompts, “…Attempt to… explain?-”

“Explain, I can do. The demonstration you could not tolerate within your current physiology. The sheer awesomeness of my true nature would melt you to pieces.” He finishes smugly.

“In that case, please do not demonstrate.” Stu implores solemnly. “But an explanation would be magnificent!”

“A wise choice, my friend.” He claps Stu on the shoulder and meanders with him toward the main street. “To begin explaining, I must first describe back when I was in Indonesia searching for an ancient relic of unfathomable value – a twenty foot pile of poo made out of solid gold locally fabled to have been defecated by the great Buddha himself-”

I lose control of my nostrils, snorting loudly and uncontrollably.

He regards me momentarily, “Heed not this inferior waste of O2 saturation,” He says, waving me off, “His substandard taunts and obvious lack of reasoning ability do nothing to soil my mood. I have endured much worse exchanging might with Diabolicon and his Quest for Omniconsumption.”

“Diabilicon and his army of the infinite mass, right?” Stu proffers.

“No. Diabolicon and his Army of the Infinite Mass.”

“Ah.”

“You have promise, young one. I see the Spark of Gheladrenschia in you!” He speaks with a sparkle in his eye.

“…Thank. You.” Stu replies, uncertainly.

“Rufus, you may call me.” He shakes Stu’s hand, having completely tuned me out. “And I… am a Hyperdimentional Space Bogey.” He says as if revealing a mighty truth.

Silence.

“…Tasked with defending the entire Universe from falling into the clutches of Diabolicon – ”

“-And the Army of Infinite Mass. Yes. We heard.” Stu finishes.

“…Endowed from On High by the Angel Silesius with the Power to Do Anything.” He says, veering off back towards the back alley once more. Then more to himself, “I challenge you to make your feeble attempt. Scratch me if you dare, O pitiful one! We’ll see who’s the fool!...” And on and on until he sits back down as he was before. The pigeons reconvene, and we depart, speechless.